The more things stay the same...
Nov. 18th, 2005 02:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I just feel somewhat compelled to write this about something that happened recently in my life. I guess, what with all the changes brought on by Hurricane Katrina, something finally clicked in me that hadn't in a very very long time. The fact that things change. The inevitable constant of life that throws us around in every which way no matter how much we try to control it. And it's interesting...that what brought about my personal complex regarding this was...a Gundam model. My first MG, at that.
Call it a curse, if you will, and it may seem silly for saying this, but... Around the time between my second and third semesters at UNO, when I began work at the LSU Health Sciences Center, I had a bit of a dilemma. I lost my fully paid scholarship because my grades weren't above a 3.0, but I still had tops to cover most of my college expenses. I didn't have to get a job like I did a year later to cover my insurance and such at this point, but I had used the extra I had made on a model from a series that would be airing on Toonami later that year... G Gundam. I became aware of the MG line, and the fact that this series actually was created before Wing, and since it was much more posable than anything I built up to that point, I thought I'd give it a go.
Now, mind you, just a year prior, I had to deal with a lot of changes in my life, and I was doing okay for the most part. Getting into college, having a cool roomie, dealing with growing up and becoming a young adult and my own independence...you know the gig. But, what set my future in motion was what I wished for when I built this new model. I mean, it was such a wonderful experience that I didn't want it to ever end. Here I was, having fully built this awesome Gundam, but... Why did it have to end? Why couldn't it keep going? And...until recently, I never fully understood or wanted to grasp why. Wanting to be able to freeze time and make it stop going further so I could enjoy these little blissful moments.. And you might think, what about everything else before this point? The video games, the RPGs, Sailor Moon... Well...for as wonderful as they were, maybe it never really personally meant so much as the experience of that model did.
I guess, maybe in a way, I felt like... Hey, I built this. I did this. I did the panel lines, and it's something I can show off, pose, and manipulate however I wanted. In a world where so much was given TO me on a silver platter, here I was contributing something to it. Not for anyone else in particular, just me. But little did I realize what my desire would set in motion for my life.
From that point, I wanted things to remain how they were. I didn't want things to change or develop. I couldn't handle it, nor did I want it because I wanted things to go only how I wanted them to. And yet, life went on around me, even though in my mind, things were still, at least somehow, frozen in time. Yes, experiences caused me to change, but I never really wanted them to occur. I wanted to live in my personal shell for as long as I could, never having to submit to the wishes of anyone else except myself. And I wished that things could stay as they are...forever.
Y'know...it's funny. Katrina, in many ways, has allowed me to reshape my life by making me realize just how temporary things are in our lives. I mean, if things don't begin, end, change, or develop... How can people expect to grow and experience new and better things? To see what life more fully has to offer? That's what I realized. Heck, with everything that happened to me in these past few months, it's kind of silly not to notice how life can change so drastically compared to what you've known before. But it's okay. Because I want to see what life has in store for me...
To find my career path in life and become a better student..
To more fully develop my character, personality, and self..
To become wiser, stronger, more able, and perhaps bolder..
To experience and enjoy my lot in life..
To listen more to my heart, and get more in touch with my spirituality..
To find my place in this world...in, and possibly with whom.
But in order to do all (or at least some) of these things, I need to learn, and let things have their moments of time in my life. And when those things come to an end, be grateful for the knowledge those things give me, and for what the experience has taught me. In addition, to pay more attention to the things that I have NOW...to what I have been given, and be thankful for it, good or bad. I don't know where my path will lead me, however, I think I'd like to learn what I can from it along the way.
We'll see what happens. I don't claim to have all of my answers, and maybe I should just fly by the seat of my pants and see where this crazy ride takes me, but we'll see.
Call it a curse, if you will, and it may seem silly for saying this, but... Around the time between my second and third semesters at UNO, when I began work at the LSU Health Sciences Center, I had a bit of a dilemma. I lost my fully paid scholarship because my grades weren't above a 3.0, but I still had tops to cover most of my college expenses. I didn't have to get a job like I did a year later to cover my insurance and such at this point, but I had used the extra I had made on a model from a series that would be airing on Toonami later that year... G Gundam. I became aware of the MG line, and the fact that this series actually was created before Wing, and since it was much more posable than anything I built up to that point, I thought I'd give it a go.
Now, mind you, just a year prior, I had to deal with a lot of changes in my life, and I was doing okay for the most part. Getting into college, having a cool roomie, dealing with growing up and becoming a young adult and my own independence...you know the gig. But, what set my future in motion was what I wished for when I built this new model. I mean, it was such a wonderful experience that I didn't want it to ever end. Here I was, having fully built this awesome Gundam, but... Why did it have to end? Why couldn't it keep going? And...until recently, I never fully understood or wanted to grasp why. Wanting to be able to freeze time and make it stop going further so I could enjoy these little blissful moments.. And you might think, what about everything else before this point? The video games, the RPGs, Sailor Moon... Well...for as wonderful as they were, maybe it never really personally meant so much as the experience of that model did.
I guess, maybe in a way, I felt like... Hey, I built this. I did this. I did the panel lines, and it's something I can show off, pose, and manipulate however I wanted. In a world where so much was given TO me on a silver platter, here I was contributing something to it. Not for anyone else in particular, just me. But little did I realize what my desire would set in motion for my life.
From that point, I wanted things to remain how they were. I didn't want things to change or develop. I couldn't handle it, nor did I want it because I wanted things to go only how I wanted them to. And yet, life went on around me, even though in my mind, things were still, at least somehow, frozen in time. Yes, experiences caused me to change, but I never really wanted them to occur. I wanted to live in my personal shell for as long as I could, never having to submit to the wishes of anyone else except myself. And I wished that things could stay as they are...forever.
Y'know...it's funny. Katrina, in many ways, has allowed me to reshape my life by making me realize just how temporary things are in our lives. I mean, if things don't begin, end, change, or develop... How can people expect to grow and experience new and better things? To see what life more fully has to offer? That's what I realized. Heck, with everything that happened to me in these past few months, it's kind of silly not to notice how life can change so drastically compared to what you've known before. But it's okay. Because I want to see what life has in store for me...
To find my career path in life and become a better student..
To more fully develop my character, personality, and self..
To become wiser, stronger, more able, and perhaps bolder..
To experience and enjoy my lot in life..
To listen more to my heart, and get more in touch with my spirituality..
To find my place in this world...in, and possibly with whom.
But in order to do all (or at least some) of these things, I need to learn, and let things have their moments of time in my life. And when those things come to an end, be grateful for the knowledge those things give me, and for what the experience has taught me. In addition, to pay more attention to the things that I have NOW...to what I have been given, and be thankful for it, good or bad. I don't know where my path will lead me, however, I think I'd like to learn what I can from it along the way.
We'll see what happens. I don't claim to have all of my answers, and maybe I should just fly by the seat of my pants and see where this crazy ride takes me, but we'll see.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-18 02:54 pm (UTC)As much as a routine and a personal shell is a really comforting thing to oneself (trust me, you already knew about my shells that I didn't ever wanna leave), but we're gonna be thrust out of them, whether we choose to or something else does it for us. I was finally getting into another routine for school, as things were cooling down with a few parts of my life, then Katrina happened, making me totally think and work on the fly. Not to mention being double-whammied with the breakup a month and a half or so afterward... yeah... this here lion seriously needed to prime his mind for a constantly fluctuating environment. And from what it seems in yer post here and my progress thus far, tiggy, we're on our way to realizing that, and perhaps using that knowledge to reach for the starts and grabbing them by the pawful.
I'm so glad that we're both learning these things... that we both still have that burning vigor within us. Let's keep going and let's see what happens. *gives ya big ol lionhugs and a back massage to die for* :P