Fly Me to the Moon and Back

So this is a thing, apparently! Rather than let it continue to collect dust, the new user policy stuff is troubling.

So, yeah! Guess we'll see if I find any of my old pals here. :3

Hey LJ! It's been almost a month now, but this tiger is now in his 30s. And the more amazing thing is that I think I've been using LJ for over a decade now. Wow.

Anywho, I'm writing in because I've been a bit reflective over the past few weeks. I have seemingly lost a friend of mine. Not necessarily because there was anything horrible between us, but because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And, after a recent con I went to, I've come to understand that this is okay. I'm at peace with the whole thing. But it's given me pause to reconsider some things about the way I approach people.

You see, years ago, back on AOL, I made a point to contact others. There was so much I wanted to talk about. Toonami, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, furry related stuff, my old mailing list, Digimon... The internet was in its prime, and there were so many people I could talk to. It was an amazing thing. And yet, slowly, but surely, as time went on and I started getting more focused in my own interests, more people contacted me instead of me them. Fast forward to today, and in many ways, that's still the case. Only a handful of people talk to me on a regular basis, and mostly it's because they tell me 'Hi!" or want to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I just lack a reason to initiate conversation. I don't want to impose, or I just find it more comfortable to do my own thing. No one criticizes you when you're alone. But you do end up feeling lonely. And me, having never really been able to keep friends growing up because of moving schools, Katrina, and more, I have found myself still staying mostly in my room. Still doing my own thing, doing what interests me.

Heck, even this past year, I've intentionally felt like I've withdrawn myself. In a way, I feel like I'm in a cocoon, reassessing myself and slowly metamorphing into something new. But what bothers me is knowing that I have friends...acquaintences, perhaps... People that wonder where I've been. People I haven't talked to in a while. People I haven't reached out to. People I worry I've lost because I feel like I've disappointed or upset them. Worse, feeling like I'll never regain some of those feelings because they've drifted too far from me. That my old maxim of picking things up from where I left off is dependant on the friendship itself, or rather the person.

To which one might say, well, "Hey Tiggs, if you don't talk to someone in ages, what kind of friendship is that?" And indeed, maybe you're right!

For all I know, this is one instance that didn't go like I planned, and maybe I'm reading too much into it. The two of us have some wonderful mutual pals that I've come to know, and I don't want to ruin anything for them. I don't want things to be awkward, and I don't want to come off as some pitiful tiger that can't deal with the reality of how things are, because it's not ideal or what I would want. It's life, like it or not, and it'll get messy sometimes. Screw the hot-blooded ideals and accept life for what it is, and make the most of it.

Maybe I worry too much. Maybe things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And...maybe I dwell too much in my head for my own good. Maybe all are true.

I don't want people to pick sides. I just want to enjoy time with them. I don't want to make things stressful.

The message I've been getting this week has been a simple one. If I want to make the friendships I currently have better, I just have to get back in there. Just like a prize fighter, sitting it out would be like quitting. That I'd be willing to give up and let things go, or shrink away because I can't handle the conflict, because "it would be best if...". It's not that bad. It's never been that bad. It's been a blown up problem that got an awkward resolution. But I have to face facts as they are, and know where I'm wanted.

Friendship is a two way street. In my world, the path to my friends is always left open, like a cabin on the side of the road you can always come to get cocoa. However, I think I need to be more pro-active and embrace the people who do care about me and are interested in my well-being, and foster that relationship. You guys mean the world to me. And this whole experience has helped me realize that focus. I know I may be reeeeeeally bad on not talking to my friends. I realize this, and I'm sorry. I've been too quiet for my own good, and I hope to rectify that.

And maybe, just maybe... Continue to give people a reason to come back for chocolate. *giggle* Why, here's one now...

Be well, guys. *hugs*

Tigeron

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I'll let the video speak for itself, but I will have this with me this weekend at AC! If you're going, I'll see you there. :)

Bro. Wayne, I've had enough of dealing with the phantom of a premature death just because I love other men. I'm tired of believing you for over ten years. I'm tired of denying my heart the pure joy I feel from being in another guy's arms.

I'm cutting these chains tonight. Your words will have no more power over me, and hopefully my mom. I considered you a man of God, but you're just as human as I. But I will no longer subject myself to fears I allowed you to install into my mind.

No more. I know what I feel to be true, and your word is NOT absolute. I may be scared, but this is something that I feel I need to do.

Hello, world. I'm Josh. I'm a gay man, and that's precisely how God made me. To deny that would be to live a lie, and that's the very lie I'm tired of living.

And, well... I want to make another man very happy to have and hold me. I want a companion, a friend, a lover, and I would like to be that for someone else. Because I do get lonely sometimes, and I really want to share my heart with someone else.

But for the record - I will die because I'm mortal, and NOT because I'm gay. It's over, Bro. Wayne. I know who I am. You may not even know how much this has affected me, but enough is enough. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I want to live again, and not hold back due to those fears.

I'm not weak. I also believe I've been given a brain to use and to try to be as safe as possible. But I will no longer let those words torment me...because the gift of being gay makes me happier than you'll ever realize. And I'm tired of letting that joy be stolen from me.

My life begins anew today. We'll see where it takes me.

Posted via LjBeetle

The blanket I bought from Bed, Bath, and Beyond yesterday is a lethal weapon.

It causes me to stay yummily inside for hours on end in delight of its shere comfort. Point of fact - I was awake by 10 today. However, I was trapped by it and my comforter until 2 PM.

True story.

One other note - I've come to terms with my love of straight men. By nature, I love them because they are guys, and are what I am attracted to. ...I just can't expect things to go anywhere for that reason. XD It's silly and selfish of me to think otherwise, when in fact, they're happiest with women, not other guys. And I don't want to get in the way of that.

I've also now sold four things on eBay. My old DSi, two TiVo wireless adapters, and my old Samsung Moment phone. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be, and I'm surprised that I've let my fear of it hold me back for so long.

Finally, I'm gonna miss Heartcatch Precure.  T_T  The last episode aired Sunday morning in Japan.  All I have left to look forward to is a sub of the movie of them in France, and the final episode.  *sniffle*

If you've been browsing Youtube today, you may have noticed them promoting a channel called "Invisible People". Now, yes, I know I don't post much lately, but I figured it was pretty poignant and worth supporting. Mostly because some of these people really are like you and I, and have just fallen on hard times. And to take a moment at really how much we take for granted, and what others have to do just to get by.

Sure, we save money for expensive televisions, flights across the US or the globe, places to live and are driven to constantly buy more and more just to keep that level of consumption up, because we're 'never satisfied'. And yet, families, who are trying to make the most of their lives, just trying to do the best they can, have to keep their chin up with the clothes on their backs, a sleeping bag, and go day to day just hoping that things work out for them.

I felt moved enough that, if you bear with me for just a few minutes, watch a few videos that tugged at my heartstrings, and made me feel like I really should be doing more to help people like these out. And in particular, in one video, for a vet who risked his life in Vietnam is now homeless and not being cared for - it's honestly heart breaking. Words can't describe just how shocking that a country would turn its back on a war vet like him.

I'm gonna put three videos that called out to me, with the first one here and the second two behind a cut.



( Two more videos behind the cut... )

Sure, the label for homeless people may be that they're drunk, on drugs, and lazy, but that may be just an excuse to keep people from caring about their fellow men, women, and children. Granted, maybe some of them are. But some of these people genuinely want to get back on their feet and have a better life for themselves and their families. Maybe they've made some bad choices. But that's not to mean that they can't turn around or that we should damn them to never have a second or third chance in life. I mean, seriously, what if we were in their place? God forbid any of us have to deal with that, but seriously... Consider these people. Watch a few videos from the channel. Maybe you'll be moved like I was.

And to those that say they should just 'get a job at McDonalds', well, there's someone else that deserves their story told as well. And maybe she brought it on herself by having such a large family, but don't tell me you can watch this video and NOT feel something for her, and how much she's trying to make ends meet.

( One final video to consider... )

It hurts. Especially to see good people who genuinely try to make things work for their family and have to struggle so hard to do so.

I've been waffling on making this post for a few days now about this, but I'll just cut some of my notable recent details (since I want to do it, but go to bed too).

1. Best way I've found to deal with anxiety? Become my own best friend. I'm becoming more predisposed to helping myself when I'm not thinking about the 'what ifs', and concentrating more on what will help me through my current problem.
2. Following this up, it's easier to look at problems and find solutions versus think about percieved reactions. Who cares what everyone thinks? I have to be happy, so I'm going to shoot for that. Besides, self-actualization is fun. :)
3. If I want to do something, just do it. It could be fun and exciting. ^_^

Over the past few days, I've opted more towards finding solutions to my problems rather than just dwelling and dwelling, and in fact really going nowhere with them. I decided that it's much better to find resolutions - I can move on to another problem and tackle that one too. Case in point - I've been looking at perhaps getting an LED LCD TV. But I already have a 42" LG that's serving me just fine. After checking the set out at Best Buy, I came to a conclusion. I can't justify the new set which essentially has only a better backlight (and contrast ratio), another HDMI port, and internet connectivity. The resolution is the same. Until my roommate buys my current TV from me, I have no reason to upgrade. 42" is daunting enough in my room, even if I wanted to go up to a 47". So it just wasn't practical. Figured I'd at least wait until Black Friday and see what comes out then, and how prices look. What this stopped me from doing is buying into all of the hype and realizing that, hey, what I have now is fine. I don't need to rush an upgrade. :P

One little note however - the prices for the XBox 360 arcades are really tempting with Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts and Viva Pinata. I may end up getting one of those soon, mostly just to play those, and maybe play around on Live Arcade every once and again. (Though I still have tons of stars to nab in Super Mario Galaxy 2...)

( Deviation for some TMI... )

And yes, I do really badly want to start building specialty cakes now. :P I wanna make me a furry cake something fierce, so I may start investing in that tomorrow, or even this weekend. Could be a fun little endeavour!

Where to start?

Geez. Suffice to say, I had a wonderful year this year.

Made some new friends, became closer to the people I already knew, and although I didn't really attend many panels (I only made it to one), I completely didn't care. I floated and did what I wanted to do, and enjoyed just about every minute of my time in Pittsburgh. It feels really surreal to me actually... Like, what standard do I compare this to? I'm used to having a small circle of pals, close ones at that, and I just kicked that door wide open this year. Ohmigosh. I'm still reeling and trying to process it all. XD

As such, rather than do my usual play by play, I'll just go person by person and hope I get everyone in.

Myrmidon Cougar - To you, man, thanks again for hosting the room and making it as pleasant as possible. It's always a pleasure rooming with you, and I hope you didn't wear yourself out too much this year. XD
Cirrus Kitfox - Dude. I FINALLY GOT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. XD OMGOSH. It was a lot more laid back than I expected, and I know we were pretty much hanging off of each other on Friday night, but I'm so glad I've gotten to know you better. You're a real inspiration to me, and look forward to fostering our friendship. :3
SilverMoonWolf - Henshin a go go, baby. XD You're the main reason I brought the Gekiviolet outfit, and I was glad I could be there for you at AC when you wanted an ear. I totally love how much energy and passion you have and that you put into whatever you do. Who knows, maybe next year, when I have my own partial, we could plan for something for the Masquerade? :3
Vince Suzukawa - It's sad to see ISO go (since it's been more or less a staple for me coming to your table for the past several cons) but I'm still flattered that I got to hang with you as much as I did on Saturday night. And yes, passive tiggies totally exist. ;3P We're like big kitties, but we still have plenty of energy to pounce when we need to. ...we just tend to be a lot more laid back than most. XD Or, that's my take on the whole thing, anyway. :3
PRGuitarman - You can rub my tummy anytime you want, man. XD That, and I really wanna play more stuff on the DS against/with ya. :) Shame it never came around until later in the con. Your iPhone photomods were really sweet too. XD In fact, I was thinking it'd be cute if you did one when I finish the colored version of that drawing I'm doing for you and...
Bauske - I've been wanting to be pals with you for a while man, and you're a really great guy. Just never felt courageous enough to start a conversation. And much like my thing with Vince, I was way too shy to come up and say hey. Especially since you tend to be pretty busy. XD Guess we'll see where things go from here. :) Glad you liked the pic I did for you and PR, too.
Skitzo and Zippner - You two are like my anchors at furry cons lately. I really like hanging out with the two of you, and I feel bad I didn't hang out with you two more this year. (Especially on the last night) But you two are wonderful pals, and I always love seeing you both whenever I go. :) Sorry you were in that wheelchair for most of the con though, Zip, but I'm glad you're up and about (or at least, as of the last day, anyway).
Mapdark - Don't be sad, man! XD I hope what time I hung out with you at AC, I hope I cheered you up enough to help you get through the day. Sad to hear if you don't want to attend another AC, but you do have to do what makes you happy, man. Don't be afraid to float about and do what you enjoy.
Crono Liganthah - I have to mention you man - you're still one of the coolest (and most approachable) guys I know from AC. Always love seeing you around year to year, even if we maybe only saw each other for a short while each time.
Mook - Never thought I'd end up flying back to New Orleans with you, man, but I'm glad I got to know you better. I love the flash animations you do on FA, and seriously, one of these days, I want to start working on some myself. Hope to see you again soon around here, and I'm sure you're always welcome whenever we have parties at Black's.
Regi - Dude, it was so sad to hear that you had forgotten your art supplies at home, but it was good seeing you again at the con. :) I know I didn't see you much either, but I hope the weekend went relatively well for you, all considered.
Raz Raccoon - Yes, I completely was serious when I said I love the stuff you've got up, and it was nice talking to and meeting the guy I've been seeing (and partially journal stalking) online. XD Glad you liked my SPC impressions, and there's tons more where that came from. ^_^
Kaelis - We didn't see each other much during the con, and as usual, I didn't go to your room (again). XD Hopefully Kal can come to the con again next year - I really miss that mousie.
Zshamm and Hali - It's so weird. Hali's such a big name in the furry fandom nowadays, so it's interesting that I know him semi-personally. I really do wish Ronin and Darius could've come this year, but I understand why they both couldn't. I really miss all of you deeply, and I think I'd love to see you guys again on a less hectic pace.
Flare - The other Starfire. XD I know I didn't spend much time (at all) with you and Myrm, but it was nice getting to know you a bit better, all the way back from the WTF we had in AC 2002. (Wait, we have the same last furry name? WTF?)
Nauta - Another person I like running into each year. :) *hugs* Read your journals, and sorry to hear about how some of this year went for you.
Neon - I know I didn't have much of a chance to hang out with you this year (barring Sunday) because of how occupied I was at the main con space. It's nothing against you, really, and I am sorry that you had to go through some con crud funk for part of the weekend. But thank you for the meal on Friday! It really was good seeing you in person again. :3 (Just, like I said, I couldn't make any promises..)
Gelus and Nemo - Just wanted to sneak you two in here - Gelus, it's always wonderful to see you at AC too. Nemo - not much to say besides I like your chubby otter character, and you have the honor of the only trade I did all con. XD
Exatron - Just wanted to show I didn't forget you. XD It's nice hanging with you, man. Not necessarily because of anything in particular, but it just 'is'. ...if that makes sense. XD And yeah, just hearing what you can lift with your legs is damn scary. o_O Not in a bad way, though. Just..wow.
Clup and Poop - I'm sure you'll never read this, but a shout anyway - I love the work both of you do! *egostroke* Nice meeting both of you!

I think that pretty much covers it for the people I know that I saw there. If i didn't add you, my apologies - it's not intentional! *whimper*

Oh, and if you're reading this, Dragoneer, I was itching ALL CON to come up, hug you, and tell you thank you for everything you do for FA. That, and whoever wears that Fender suit is one of the coolest people on Earth. SRSLY.

Beyond that, it really was a blast to wear my Gekiviolet outfit on Saturday, and I really do regret that I wasn't able to get a combo photo with the White Ranger that was walking around. Although, I could only imagine what people in Pittsburgh must've been wondering to see a guy in violet spandex walking around with a tail. XD The sad thing is that unfortunately, the helmet is a bit scuffed up from the return flights and will need some mild repairs. <= / Still, my partial fursuit will be ready for next year, and I may just wear that instead.

All in all, it was really great to meet and get closer to the people I met this year and in years prior. It really is a bit overwhelming, and definitely scary, since I'm not used to being very social beyond my main group of friends. And surreal, I mean, it's like, the people I've always wanted to get to know better, I am, and...just... I feel so inferior! XD *bows to those with much greater artistic talent than himself* But all told, I'm very humbled and grateful for whatever's offered to me. I don't ever want or hope people feel like I'm a social burden or bother, and genuinely hope my company is enjoyed. Granted, I may be blowing it way too much out of proportion, but that's what worries me the most.

Anywho, I may get some rest soon and enjoy the last day of my vacation. XD Just wanted to get that all out before I did, though, while it's still relatively fresh.

And if I don't post before then, I hope you all have a great 4th of July weekend! :D

Hey guys. Not quite sure where to start here since it's been a little while. But I figured I'd just go ahead and get with it, I guess. :3P

Part of me somehow hates to keep updating this journal with stuff that I collect and the like, which is most of what I'd probably write about anyway. But it's part of a deeper conflict I have with myself about flaunting or gloating the things I have, and somehow making someone else feel bad because of that. But then, maybe that's just me thinking to myself, being neurotic, when that doesn't really exist anyway. <= [ Not sure.

Anywho, I just wanted to first make a shout to a friend I made a few weekends ago at RCFM - mikefox2d. He's a really awesome guy, and I'm so glad that I have him as a pal. :D That, and he's extremely cute to boot. XD And he has a very sweet and artistic wife. We spent several hours just talking about life, religion, furry, and the like at the con, and we just seemed to connect really well. Made me happy. :3 Hope it continues well into the future.

Regarding other things - played and beaten Final Fantasy XIII and No More Heroes II, working on Super Mario Galaxy 2 in my spare time (or whenever I get around to it). Regarding FFXIII, I liked the whole video game storybook aspect, but it did feel way too linear. I'm used to having freedom to open up and do things whenever I so choose, but the leveling on rails really disappointed me, but the story was really nice. And, much as other people may disagree, I think Hope had the most dynamic character development within the party, and I think I ended up connecting to him most. No More Heroes...I miss the epicness of the original, and it was over a lot quicker. But the music was really catchy and it was fun regardless. I even ended up smacking myself in the back of the head with my Nunchuk cord because I get too passionate into these things. XD SMG2...it's fun, but I have to play it in doses. Don't wanna spoil too much of a good thing too quickly, but I'm enjoying the level design thus far. I'm not a fan of the map system, though, and it reminds me too much of NSMB which I am not fond of anyway for making something 'new', but doesn't really feel too special.

Ran into a few epiphanies lately too. For one, I'm opting not to spend any time or energy on a relationship that doesn't return it. This goes more for love interests, as I know I'm pretty bad about talking to people since I'm so used to just doing my own thing. But there is something that feels genuinely nice about connecting with others, and I do want to foster the friendships I already have. Quality over quantity, I say. :) (That, and it keeps things simple for me, which I like). Another one, to make a segway, is also about simplifying my life and doing things that matter to me more, things that have more value to me. In addition, cutting out things that I don't enjoy or value as much so I can focus on the things that I really do. I mean, it sucks to let an interest go, but I really wanna put my all into it if I do something. It feels better too. XD Cutting out things makes time for the more valued stuff, and ends up making tiggy happier, so I think it's potentially win win. :) Something I wound back onto after years, I guess, was this site - Zenhabits. In particular, 20 Ways to Eliminate Stress From Your Life. Totally recommend a read if you're up for it. :)

Let's see... More progress is being made on my fursuit, and I now have about a footpaw and a half done, and the tail, head, and chest (besides the airbrushing for striping) will be what's left. Hopefully Silver and I'll work more on that this week, as I'd love to have it for AC. Fingers crossed, but hopefully it'll be done. Just sucks he's been busy, and I hate to make him change gears if he doesn't have a few hours to spend with me on it.

Another thing - I ended up getting a tablet PC. :) It's an old refurbished model, an HP Pavilion TX2517CL, which I got from CedarPC. With shipping, it initially set me back $340, and I just had to get a replacement keyboard and stylus to go with it for about $40 more. In addition, I ended up replacing the drive from a 250GB 5400rpm to a 320GB 7200rpm drive I had lying around, installed Windows 7. I also plan to use it for my drawing/coloring and travel PC, since it's a lot easier to tote than my 17" lappy. I'll have this with me when I go to AC in a few weeks. Thanks to the digitzer screen (that's 'Wacom penabled'), the brighter things do look grainy, and I have to be careful from going between a CCFL backlight to an LED one, since sometimes the colors I picked don't look correct on my LED screen.

Beyond that, I guess it's been somewhat life as normal. Got a new coonie plush for my huggy tiger to snuggle, got a stand for my tablet PC to work on it better, have some new luggage on the way that I'll be using when I go to AC... Oh! And I'm back on the 'experimental medication' that I was on several years ago that cleared me up so well! :D The medication is now called Stelara, and unfortunately, it is pretty expensive. o_O But I go for my next booster shot next month, and I'm progressively showing more and more improvement as the days go by. It's certainly not as 'fast' as I'd like, but it's encouraging to know that people are still seeing improvement as they continue the treatments.

This past weekend too, I went on an impromptu furmeet to the Aquarium of the Americas, met a few new people and hung out with some old friends for a few hours, and afterwards, saw Avenue Q. What bugged me is that I knew most of the play going into it due to the soundtrack, but it was nice to connect the songs with the dialogue in between. Just wish I had a few more people that went with me to enjoy it too. :( Afterwards, I saw Ross and Will again, hung out with them for a while, ended up getting and building the chair I REALLY wanted to get a few months ago, and had a pretty relaxing Sunday, all told.

Lastly, I'm looking forward to Nintendo's E3 conference later today. :) Probably gonna learn some fascinating stuff about the 3DS (since it may be more powerful than the Wii) and whatever else Nintendo throws at us. They still have my heart first when it comes to gaming, and I can't wait.

I think I've packed into this journal what I've held back on saying for a while - I'm just kinda surprised that it's so much. XD I guess I should write about it more. :3P Still though, I hope you guys are hanging in there and doing okay.

That, and I'll end my journal with a quote that has been somewhat inspirational to me (and to get me out of the funk I mentioned in the beginning)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])

My hope is that I try not to hide that 'light' that I have as much as I normally do. I don't want to make others jealous or feel bad - but deep down, I do want to share what makes me happy. And I'm gonna give myself permission to do so. X3

If you made it through that huge block of text, thanks for reading, guys. :3

Just tossing these up here from the meet this past weekend. It started fine, and then...we became an extended part of a birthday party. XD

Well, when we weren't being given cheetos or having our genders called out in fursuit. XD

Anywho, Parts 1 and 2 are below. The video's processing as we speak, but it should look better soon.

Part 1:


Part 2:


That's the funny thing about having meets at parks, I guess. Never know who'll be there. X3