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So far, so good...
Aug. 2nd, 2005 10:11 amLet me just start by saying there's been a lot of new things to think about.
The trip's been going relatively well so far, sans some little quibbles of my own. That, and I can't say it doesn't sadden me that I can't be around for more often, though at the same time, *sigh* I just feel so terribly inadequate when it comes to relating to others. Dwelling on it won't help, I know, but the lion's apartment tends to be pretty quiet and lonely at times, so it's somewhat unavoidable.
But rather than have you think it's been going horribly, to be honest, it hasn't.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zschamm is a great guy and cuddlelion. ^_^ He and the guy that's living with him, Ronin Otter, have a pretty decked out apartment...much better than the likes I'm used to down in Louisiana, or even my own digs at the dorm. That, he's got his own soda water fountain (add syrup for flavoring) a DVR he worked up on his own with linux, and a personal server that's sitting right beside me. Humbling, definately, to say the least. <=s
Other than that, my skunk/dragon's been pretty good, and with the extra time together, I'm coming to understand him a bit more from an objective point of view. That, and to make sure I tell the big guy what's up so we can work together to make things better. He's not psychic, no, but on the same token, I'm not for him either. We can't really read each other's minds, hence the communication. That, or maybe I just need to be around him more. ^_^;; There's still time for that though.
That, and I realize I have the capacity to do certain things.. I just have to use them, or maybe better, know how to better channel those thoughts into action. That, and it's like... Part of me wants to be nice, kind, and gentle... But in particular with some of the things I tried last night, I have to step myself up into something else... Someone firm, strong, but loving and in control. And I can do that, but my heart wants to merge the two somewhat..or no, maybe it's just a simple matter of understanding real live role play.
Make no mistake though, this trip is opening my eyes to a lot of things, but much as it pangs my heart sometimes, I suppose it's a lot better to know the truth. Part of me wonders if I can handle it... But another says I can if I keep trying. So I will. Though I know a lot of this is also give and take, maybe I just need to step beyond myself for my guys, and maybe I'll be able to get something wonderful back in return. But then, no one ever learned how to ride a bike without getting over that initial fear, did they?
Maybe it's just because I worry so much over wanting to do everything just right. Wanting to be a perfectionist... But, this stuff'll come to me. I'll be okay. I love my guys and I want to do this for them.
*yawns* Might get a little more sleep though...
The trip's been going relatively well so far, sans some little quibbles of my own. That, and I can't say it doesn't sadden me that I can't be around for more often, though at the same time, *sigh* I just feel so terribly inadequate when it comes to relating to others. Dwelling on it won't help, I know, but the lion's apartment tends to be pretty quiet and lonely at times, so it's somewhat unavoidable.
But rather than have you think it's been going horribly, to be honest, it hasn't.
zschamm is a great guy and cuddlelion. ^_^ He and the guy that's living with him, Ronin Otter, have a pretty decked out apartment...much better than the likes I'm used to down in Louisiana, or even my own digs at the dorm. That, he's got his own soda water fountain (add syrup for flavoring) a DVR he worked up on his own with linux, and a personal server that's sitting right beside me. Humbling, definately, to say the least. <=s Other than that, my skunk/dragon's been pretty good, and with the extra time together, I'm coming to understand him a bit more from an objective point of view. That, and to make sure I tell the big guy what's up so we can work together to make things better. He's not psychic, no, but on the same token, I'm not for him either. We can't really read each other's minds, hence the communication. That, or maybe I just need to be around him more. ^_^;; There's still time for that though.
That, and I realize I have the capacity to do certain things.. I just have to use them, or maybe better, know how to better channel those thoughts into action. That, and it's like... Part of me wants to be nice, kind, and gentle... But in particular with some of the things I tried last night, I have to step myself up into something else... Someone firm, strong, but loving and in control. And I can do that, but my heart wants to merge the two somewhat..or no, maybe it's just a simple matter of understanding real live role play.
Make no mistake though, this trip is opening my eyes to a lot of things, but much as it pangs my heart sometimes, I suppose it's a lot better to know the truth. Part of me wonders if I can handle it... But another says I can if I keep trying. So I will. Though I know a lot of this is also give and take, maybe I just need to step beyond myself for my guys, and maybe I'll be able to get something wonderful back in return. But then, no one ever learned how to ride a bike without getting over that initial fear, did they?
Maybe it's just because I worry so much over wanting to do everything just right. Wanting to be a perfectionist... But, this stuff'll come to me. I'll be okay. I love my guys and I want to do this for them.
*yawns* Might get a little more sleep though...
