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It's just one of those days...
Feb. 13th, 2003 12:36 am*groans*
Or week, really. I mean, all in all, I guess things have been going decently, but...it's really been a week of change for me. And it's been harsh... To the point where one of the stars on my outfit's shoulder pads has lost its shimmer. Anyone who really knows me knows the symbolism of that sucker, but it's all because of what I discovered. Perhaps it was a hasty generalization I've been placing on that person lately, but... The more and more I think on it, the more it just lets hold of me.
But I guess playing Final Fantasy 7 for the first time in my life is kinda getting to me. Jenova is really reminding me of some of the horror games I'd watched being played, blood smears and all. That...terrifies me, really. It's definately a switch from the other kind of RPGs I'd played on Nintendo's systems--rather toned down and kid-friendly. But to think they're going dead into something so...organic and bloody just... *shivvers* Yeesh. Yes, I may be a softie, but blech... Though I admit, the story is VERY compelling. I am SOOO gonna cry when I hit the end of disc 2... Because I don't have disc 3! Waaah!
These two things coupled with what I walked in on today.. My bouts of jealousy of Zei... Not to mention the stress of trying to tell the guy something I'm concerned about without having him bash himself over and over kinda gets to me. Like I want to say something, but at the same time, I don't want to discourage the guy either. Yet the worry remains. *sighs* It's just been one of those weeks. I know I'm bound to learn some lessons from all this, but it's more just wondering what would work best for me. And suffice to say, it's been rough. Having to go through the gauntlet of these problems is working at me...my heart in particular.
I mean, last night, I had a nice old talk with Zei about life, so to speak. About the star (which, to be more precise, cracked in my drawing, though faded seemed more appropriate later on), about wondering if my dreams would ever come true, about having to change what dreams I did have, and...to be honest, it hurts. Like hell, really. It's like...all my dreams I'd had from growing on up (or what little, heh..but strongly bonded to) are fading from me in the face of my future. Yeah, I suppose it's just life, as I know everyone has to deal with it in some way, and I know I'm not special... But it's come to that crossroads in my life where I have to decide where I'm headed, and if where I'm going is truly what's best for me. And honey...it ain't easy.
Leaving what I've known for so long is so rough... It gives you peace, safety, and comfort... But you just gotta know when to let go sometimes. That's where I'm at. *his shirt dampens a bit* Change can suck so much sometimes... but maybe now I'm truly ready to grab life by the horns, for once. Trying to gain my own sense of being...to create my own niche in life.. It's what I'm doing now. It's what I'm striving through as it is.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is...what choices can I make in life that will leave me satisfied later on, this being the verge of my 20th birthday? My last few snippets of teendom... What is it that I want to do? Why must my life sometimes be such a blank slate...leaving me wondering just what kind of essence I have in my life, as my life has been merely changing to what's best as I see fit.. I guess I just don't feel like much of an individual. Maybe I'm just concerned that I'm so...metamorphical. Continously a work in progress, not to mention something of a wallflower, I mean..
To put it bluntly, I'm confused about life. But more, I'm confused about myself. My heart doesn't necessarily want to lean on others for help. And yet, I guess in many ways, through your interactions, you define who you are. It's fine and dandy to create a more refined version of yourself, but if you can't do anything with it, what's it worth? Heh... Maybe I just found one of the answers I was looking for.
I guess Zei was right. Maybe I do need to make some more friends. At least that way I won't be so jealous of him and Justin.
I don't want to be alone...
Or week, really. I mean, all in all, I guess things have been going decently, but...it's really been a week of change for me. And it's been harsh... To the point where one of the stars on my outfit's shoulder pads has lost its shimmer. Anyone who really knows me knows the symbolism of that sucker, but it's all because of what I discovered. Perhaps it was a hasty generalization I've been placing on that person lately, but... The more and more I think on it, the more it just lets hold of me.
But I guess playing Final Fantasy 7 for the first time in my life is kinda getting to me. Jenova is really reminding me of some of the horror games I'd watched being played, blood smears and all. That...terrifies me, really. It's definately a switch from the other kind of RPGs I'd played on Nintendo's systems--rather toned down and kid-friendly. But to think they're going dead into something so...organic and bloody just... *shivvers* Yeesh. Yes, I may be a softie, but blech... Though I admit, the story is VERY compelling. I am SOOO gonna cry when I hit the end of disc 2... Because I don't have disc 3! Waaah!
These two things coupled with what I walked in on today.. My bouts of jealousy of Zei... Not to mention the stress of trying to tell the guy something I'm concerned about without having him bash himself over and over kinda gets to me. Like I want to say something, but at the same time, I don't want to discourage the guy either. Yet the worry remains. *sighs* It's just been one of those weeks. I know I'm bound to learn some lessons from all this, but it's more just wondering what would work best for me. And suffice to say, it's been rough. Having to go through the gauntlet of these problems is working at me...my heart in particular.
I mean, last night, I had a nice old talk with Zei about life, so to speak. About the star (which, to be more precise, cracked in my drawing, though faded seemed more appropriate later on), about wondering if my dreams would ever come true, about having to change what dreams I did have, and...to be honest, it hurts. Like hell, really. It's like...all my dreams I'd had from growing on up (or what little, heh..but strongly bonded to) are fading from me in the face of my future. Yeah, I suppose it's just life, as I know everyone has to deal with it in some way, and I know I'm not special... But it's come to that crossroads in my life where I have to decide where I'm headed, and if where I'm going is truly what's best for me. And honey...it ain't easy.
Leaving what I've known for so long is so rough... It gives you peace, safety, and comfort... But you just gotta know when to let go sometimes. That's where I'm at. *his shirt dampens a bit* Change can suck so much sometimes... but maybe now I'm truly ready to grab life by the horns, for once. Trying to gain my own sense of being...to create my own niche in life.. It's what I'm doing now. It's what I'm striving through as it is.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is...what choices can I make in life that will leave me satisfied later on, this being the verge of my 20th birthday? My last few snippets of teendom... What is it that I want to do? Why must my life sometimes be such a blank slate...leaving me wondering just what kind of essence I have in my life, as my life has been merely changing to what's best as I see fit.. I guess I just don't feel like much of an individual. Maybe I'm just concerned that I'm so...metamorphical. Continously a work in progress, not to mention something of a wallflower, I mean..
To put it bluntly, I'm confused about life. But more, I'm confused about myself. My heart doesn't necessarily want to lean on others for help. And yet, I guess in many ways, through your interactions, you define who you are. It's fine and dandy to create a more refined version of yourself, but if you can't do anything with it, what's it worth? Heh... Maybe I just found one of the answers I was looking for.
I guess Zei was right. Maybe I do need to make some more friends. At least that way I won't be so jealous of him and Justin.
I don't want to be alone...
