Apr. 2nd, 2012

tigeronstarfire: (Not Giving Up)
*dusts off and blows the shelves* Still around, eh, LJ?

Sorry I haven't posted in a good long while - mostly moved over to Twitter. But then again, there are things that can only be defined in a journal. 140 characters can be awfully restrictive when you want to elaborate.

Let me start by saying that things in life are going okay. My job is bugging the hell out of me, but mostly due to everything that's currently being asked of me. I once called it a glorified student worker position, and it's coming back down to that, plus speakers. I just recently finished up a gauntlet of four over the past three weeks, and I took two days off for myself. It's damn annoying knowing that there are other things that need my attention, but I've been putting some off just due to the workload.

Given, working at the same salary for almost five years grates on a guy. The benefits are nice, but it's when I can actually get around to using them. And rather than defend myself when things go wrong, I hang my head and accept the criticism. And I want to get away from it all because I'm increasingly less and less enjoying my job. Not to mention, given that I've found myself in the arms of a very sweet Canadian, I may have to move things soonishly anyway. *sigh* But I just need to look, I guess. I'm not fond of the work I'd leave behind for my coworkers, but like my aunt said, "We'll find someone". Fair enough. Bills are going up, hiring freeze is still in effect, morale is dropping, everyone's frustrated and angry, and my pay is still the same as it was back in 2007.

In truth, I'd be happy if I could keep the benefits and just work somewhere else that isn't so demanding. I even used to worry that I wasn't a hard enough worker, and that I wouldn't be able to hold my own if I moved to New England. ...Ironically enough, I feel like that's been proven false. Yes, I may get in to work 15 minutes late, but I don't take breaks, barring lunch. I'm at my desk or away from it doing work otherwise. Maybe it just means I'll have to put in some days past 5 to do what needs doing.

The other thing that's been nagging me is my sense of self. Sure, there's the sweet and happy Tigeron visage I normally display, but there's a deeper me I find I've been denying. He's the one that tells me the absolute truth about myself, and the one I hush if I want to appease others. Granted, more often than not, he appears by me sticking my feet in the mud and not opening my mouth when there's something I don't want to do, or don't like. Rather than say, "You know, I don't like this", I more often than not stay completely quiet and keep up the mask. However, I get stubborn, obstinate, and a bit passive aggressive. I never admit it, but it's there, and I want to reconcile that side of myself with myself going forward. Steadily, it has. But there are still some aspects of my life the above takes hold of. The ones where I find honesty difficult because it's inconvenient. "Just love me, just like me, and I'll do what you want, even if I don't like it."

That's no way to live. :P Maybe it's a side lesson I need to unlearn from how to get by with being gay and never admitting it to others that don't ask, but I'm denying myself my identity in the process.

The internet is a warm, glowing distraction, too. It's so convenient to just watch videos, read blogs, look up new computer information, stay up to all hours and wake up tired in the morning. All because I don't want to acknowledge my own problems. And yet, here I am, because I need to etch it somewhere. But the more aware of it I become, the more I read, the more rest I get, the more I realize just how much it's affecting my life. And that's got to stop.

So, you say, what's my resolution? How do I grow beyond this problem that's torn at me?

What I've come to realize is that the problems in life guide you to their solutions. You hate going through them sometimes, but if you didn't, you'd never understand how valuable those solutions are. And further, they're great because next time they come up, you can work smarter, not harder.

The whole reason I bring that up is because that's the process I'm going through. Telling myself, that, the more aware I become of the problem, the worse off I feel, is this what it'll take to grow beyond what's set before me? Is this really the life I want to lead? Do I have to go to the bitter end to realize just how much agony I put myself through? Is THIS what it takes to wake me up from my self-imposed coma of day to day monotony?

Yeah. Because at the end of the day, I need to realize that I need to worry about me more than anyone else. I'm the only one who can take care of me. I can get help, but at my core, it's my responsibility, and my eternal dilemma to figure out what makes me tick, what makes me happy, and what I need to do to achieve that. My problem is that I care too much about what other people think or feel to grow beyond that. And perhaps, my feet do more to make me aware of the problem than they do to resolve it.

That is what I intend to resolve.

Josh

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