tigeronstarfire: (Rose Passion!)
[personal profile] tigeronstarfire
Hey LJ! It's been almost a month now, but this tiger is now in his 30s. And the more amazing thing is that I think I've been using LJ for over a decade now. Wow.

Anywho, I'm writing in because I've been a bit reflective over the past few weeks. I have seemingly lost a friend of mine. Not necessarily because there was anything horrible between us, but because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And, after a recent con I went to, I've come to understand that this is okay. I'm at peace with the whole thing. But it's given me pause to reconsider some things about the way I approach people.

You see, years ago, back on AOL, I made a point to contact others. There was so much I wanted to talk about. Toonami, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, furry related stuff, my old mailing list, Digimon... The internet was in its prime, and there were so many people I could talk to. It was an amazing thing. And yet, slowly, but surely, as time went on and I started getting more focused in my own interests, more people contacted me instead of me them. Fast forward to today, and in many ways, that's still the case. Only a handful of people talk to me on a regular basis, and mostly it's because they tell me 'Hi!" or want to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I just lack a reason to initiate conversation. I don't want to impose, or I just find it more comfortable to do my own thing. No one criticizes you when you're alone. But you do end up feeling lonely. And me, having never really been able to keep friends growing up because of moving schools, Katrina, and more, I have found myself still staying mostly in my room. Still doing my own thing, doing what interests me.

Heck, even this past year, I've intentionally felt like I've withdrawn myself. In a way, I feel like I'm in a cocoon, reassessing myself and slowly metamorphing into something new. But what bothers me is knowing that I have friends...acquaintences, perhaps... People that wonder where I've been. People I haven't talked to in a while. People I haven't reached out to. People I worry I've lost because I feel like I've disappointed or upset them. Worse, feeling like I'll never regain some of those feelings because they've drifted too far from me. That my old maxim of picking things up from where I left off is dependant on the friendship itself, or rather the person.

To which one might say, well, "Hey Tiggs, if you don't talk to someone in ages, what kind of friendship is that?" And indeed, maybe you're right!

For all I know, this is one instance that didn't go like I planned, and maybe I'm reading too much into it. The two of us have some wonderful mutual pals that I've come to know, and I don't want to ruin anything for them. I don't want things to be awkward, and I don't want to come off as some pitiful tiger that can't deal with the reality of how things are, because it's not ideal or what I would want. It's life, like it or not, and it'll get messy sometimes. Screw the hot-blooded ideals and accept life for what it is, and make the most of it.

Maybe I worry too much. Maybe things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And...maybe I dwell too much in my head for my own good. Maybe all are true.

I don't want people to pick sides. I just want to enjoy time with them. I don't want to make things stressful.

The message I've been getting this week has been a simple one. If I want to make the friendships I currently have better, I just have to get back in there. Just like a prize fighter, sitting it out would be like quitting. That I'd be willing to give up and let things go, or shrink away because I can't handle the conflict, because "it would be best if...". It's not that bad. It's never been that bad. It's been a blown up problem that got an awkward resolution. But I have to face facts as they are, and know where I'm wanted.

Friendship is a two way street. In my world, the path to my friends is always left open, like a cabin on the side of the road you can always come to get cocoa. However, I think I need to be more pro-active and embrace the people who do care about me and are interested in my well-being, and foster that relationship. You guys mean the world to me. And this whole experience has helped me realize that focus. I know I may be reeeeeeally bad on not talking to my friends. I realize this, and I'm sorry. I've been too quiet for my own good, and I hope to rectify that.

And maybe, just maybe... Continue to give people a reason to come back for chocolate. *giggle* Why, here's one now...

Be well, guys. *hugs*

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